The first four dates: online dating for seniors
A lot of attention is often focused on the first internet date, to the point that people sometimes lose sight of the real point of online dating. To be successful, you need to go beyond date number one and navigate to date number four and beyond. Developing ideas about what to do with a partner once you get over the first date is a good idea and sets you up for success. Here are some guidelines that can help.
Date #1. The purpose of this appointment is to get a firsthand impression of the other person and to determine if there is a foundation to build on. Lots of active conversation is essential. That’s why most people recommend meeting at a restaurant for lunch or coffee. Meeting up for a drink at a bar can also work if the bar isn’t too loud and if you meet in the afternoon rather than at night. You want to be on your best behavior and make a good impression, so it’s important to keep alcohol to a minimum. Both parties must drive separately to the meeting location and both must keep their home address and phone number to themselves. It is also very important that the man reassures the woman and shows sensitivity to her safety concerns. Under no circumstances should either person get in the other’s car and drive somewhere on the first date. Older women value courtesy, so it’s a good idea to walk the woman out to her car after the meal. Sometimes the woman will offer a cursory kiss on her lips as she says goodbye, but this is definitely not the time to indulge in a real first kiss. The first date is a definite success when they both decide that there is enough interest to meet again.
Date #2. Another afternoon session is required, in which each of you still has to reserve your home address and phone number. Sometimes people want to move on to a romantic dinner that night because the first meeting went so well, but resist that temptation. What is needed is more conversation without an emphasis on romantic expectations. Some people will want to move on to doing an activity together, as recommended for date #3, but that may also be rushing the relationship too far. If the first meeting was for coffee, the second date should certainly be for lunch. Again, the focus should be on many conversations as you get to know each other better. Again, I would suggest taking the woman to her vehicle. The second date is also too soon for that first kiss.
Date #3. It’s time to spend more time together. A great way to do this is to do an activity: go to a museum, visit botanical gardens, spend time at a neighborhood festival, or drive through the mountains for an afternoon. Your day should include eating lunch and spending time together in a car, as well as walking at public events. Your addresses must still be unknown, so you must arrange to meet somewhere public so that one of you can get into the other’s vehicle for the trip. Spending much of the day together leads to much more conversation and gives you an idea of how compatible you two are when it comes to doing things together. Returning to the vehicle at the end of your activity, you may find a good opportunity for that first kiss if the day has gone very well.
Date #4. If the relationship has continued to progress during the first three dates, then it’s time to plan a romantic dinner. By now, the woman should feel comfortable telling the man her address so he can pick her up at her house and go to dinner. This will be the second time they’ve been alone in a car together, but there should be no concern about what each has already learned about the other. If the evening goes well, I’m sure there’ll be a goodnight kiss at the door. For the most part, older men will have taken the lead up to this point, asking dates and suggesting what to do on the next date; but after three dates, it is time for the woman to show initiative if she really likes the man and she wants the relationship to continue to progress. She can do that on the fourth date by inviting him out for dessert or a glass of wine. She may even decide that date #5 will be dinner at her house.
Exclusivity and Sex. People over the age of 50 will prefer the four-date progression I’ve described, but younger people may move toward sex and even exclusivity on fewer dates. It is the individual couple who decides when sex and exclusivity become appropriate for them. In older people, sex is unlikely to become a viable topic until the fourth date or after. For me, I’ve been in two relationships where I decided after the third date that I was going to be exclusive with my partner, but felt it was too early to tell my partner that I wanted him to be exclusive with me.
Every relationship has its own rhythms and realities. My guidelines for the first four dates can be helpful in reassuring couples as they find relationships they want to continue.