Narcissus and echo: the anguish of relationships with narcissists
The moving myth of Narcissus and Eco crystallizes the tragic problem of relationships with narcissists. They were tragic Greek characters in a story told by the Roman poet Ovid in Metamorphoses. Sadly, both partners are locked in a painful drama, where neither feels satisfied or loved enough. Although it is heartbreak for both of them, the narcissist blames his partner for his cause and sees himself as above reproach, and all too often his partner agrees.
The myth of Narcissus and Eco
Narciso was a handsome hunter who broke the hearts of many women. Despite her love for him, he remained aloof and arrogant. Proudly, he held them in disdain.
Meanwhile, the beautiful forest nymph Eco had incurred the wrath of the goddess Juno, who punished Eco for talking too much by depriving her of freedom of expression. From then on, she could only repeat the last words of others. Eco saw Narciso and fell in love with her. She craved his attention, but he was focused on himself. He tried to call out to him, but couldn’t.
One day, Narciso got separated from his hunting companions and shouted: “Is there anyone there?” Echo could only repeat his words. Startled, he said, “Come here,” which Echo repeated. Echo joyfully ran to Narcissus, but he pushed her away, saying, “Hands off! May I die before you enjoy my body.” Humiliated and rejected, Echo fled in shame. However, her love for Narciso grew.
To punish Narcissus for his arrogance, Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, put a spell on him. When Narciso saw her reflection in a puddle of water again, love took over him. He believed that he had finally found someone worthy of his love and became completely absorbed with his own handsome image, not realizing that it was actually himself.
Unable to get Narciso’s attention, Eco’s obsession and depression grew. As the years passed, he lost his youth and his beauty, swooning for the unreachable Narcissus until he wasted away, leaving only his resounding voice. He finally committed suicide, consumed by his impossible love, leaving a flower in his place.
Understanding Narcissists
Despite their seemingly strong personality, narcissists are actually very vulnerable under their protective armor. Mastery of their feelings and of others is very important, because without control they feel weak and humiliated. They are drawn to someone who is emotionally expressive and caring, qualities they lack. Vulnerable feelings, especially shame, sadness, and fear, are relegated to your unconscious. They have disdain for them or some sign of weakness, which arouses fears of being controlled or humiliated. Thus, feeling sad or alone evokes their need for someone, which would expose them to pain, rejection and a feeling of inferiority. They try to eliminate these uncomfortable feelings by demonstrating courage and independence from the ideals of strength with which they identify.
Like the myth, narcissists feel superior to others, but rely on them to reflect a positive image of themselves. Surprisingly, most narcissists are also codependent. They are hypersensitive to any perceived challenge to their illusion of being the best, and often perceive slights where there are none. They fear being seen as a fraud, having their shortcomings revealed, having their opinions or authority questioned, or having their self-esteem or pride tarnished. They will do whatever it takes to reinforce their image and block negative comments. In their arrogance, they can be dismissive and rude, even projecting their flaws onto others, criticizing and belittling them, or unleashing their narcissistic anger. Trying to please them feels ungrateful, like trying to fill a bottomless pit-your inner emptiness-that you expect others to fill, but of course, it’s impossible.
They may embarrass family and friends with their bragging or obnoxious sense of entitlement, such as monopolizing the conversation and interrupting. To get what they want, they may exploit others, regardless of the consequences. Their attitude compensates for unconscious feelings of deprivation and inferiority, which become intolerable when their special needs or privileges are not met.
understanding the echo
Not everyone who falls for a narcissist is like Echo, but the ones who stay are just like her: a stereotypical codependent who sacrifices her own needs to accommodate others. While Narcissus is too self-absorbed, Eco is too absorbed in others. Like Echo, narcissists’ partners idealize them. They like and admire his bold, take-charge attitude. They, unlike narcissists, do not advocate for themselves and feel unnecessary or guilty in stating their needs and desires.
Caring and pleasing gives them a sense of purpose and value. Because they feel unworthy to receive love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are, only for what they give or do. Without an independent voice, they are generally passive, obedient, and modest, believing that what they are told is true. They long to be liked, accepted, supported, approved of, needed, and loved. They may not believe they have any rights and naturally go with the flow or put the needs and feelings of others first, sometimes sacrificing themselves to please. Like, Echo, this makes them dependent on the narcissist, even when their needs are not being met. It also allows a narcissist to easily manipulate, abuse, and exploit them. Narcissists need partners who they can control, who don’t challenge them and make them feel weak. Their partners usually accept the blame and try to be more understanding. They stay to avoid their biggest fear—abandonment and rejection and the loss of hope of finding lasting love—and because the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that charmed them in the first place periodically return, especially if a breakup is imminent. .
In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, they become entangled in eggshells, afraid of displeasing their partner. They worry about what he or she will think or do, and they worry about the relationship. They have to fit into the cold world of narcissists and get used to living in an emotional desert.
The narcissistic relationship
It is easy to fall for narcissists. Don’t judge yourself for succumbing, because research has shown that strangers’ initial impressions of narcissists during the first seven meetings are positive. They are seen as charming, personable, confident, open, balanced, and entertaining. Her seductive performance is designed to win trust and love, implicitly promising that your attention will continue. Only later did the research subjects see through the nice facade of the narcissists.
At home, narcissists may privately denigrate the person they were publicly entertaining, and after a romantic foreplay, they act entirely differently. Once you’re hooked, they lack the motivation to maintain a charismatic facade. As the excitement of romance fades, narcissists become disappointed in their partner. Their criticism increases and they can act distant and dismissive. The relationship revolves around the narcissist, while others are seen simply as objects to be used to manage the narcissist’s needs and fragile self-esteem. Embarrassed partners watch their partner flirt with a cashier, move to the front of line, or punish a clerk or waitress. They must deal with lawsuits, lawsuits, and self-centeredness. They are expected to appreciate the narcissist’s special character, fulfill their needs for admiration, service, love, or purchases when necessary, and are dismissed when they don’t.
Narcissists put themselves first, and their codependent partners put them first as well. They both agree that the narcissist is great and his partner is not and must sacrifice! This makes their relationship work… at first. Eventually, the couple feels drained, hurt, resentful, disrespected, and alone.
Children and partners of narcissists share Echo’s experience of feeling rejected, invisible, and unheard. They long to be seen, to have their needs met, and to have their love returned. Many partners of narcissists sadly languish for years to feel respected, important, appreciated, and cared for. Your self-esteem suffers over time. They run the risk of becoming empty shells of what they were. Narcissists also suffer because they are never satisfied. Although Narciso and Eco yearn for love, Narciso cannot give love or receive the love that Eco offers.
You have more power than you think. Find out how to raise your self-esteem, find your voice, and how to determine if your relationship can improve. There are many things you can do to significantly improve your relationship with anyone who is defensive or abusive. You can take the narcissism quiz and it also sets out criteria that can help you decide if you are considering ending a relationship with a narcissist.
© Darlene Lancer 2017