How jealous are you?

How jealous would you be if your spouse or significant other regularly carpooled with a much younger, more handsome business colleague, or texted late into the night? Modern life often involves travel, greater accessibility, and flexible hours, but those requirements can bring with them an undercurrent of restlessness.

I was recently talking to an attractive lady who felt jealous of her husband’s relationship with her co-worker. She was one half of a successful professional couple whose children had recently left home for college. She considered herself fit, possibly a bit overweight, but smart, well-dressed, up-to-date, and interesting. However, she was aware that both she and her husband were leading increasingly separate lives and that intimacy had practically dwindled to nothing.

She had noticed that her husband dressed more elegantly, left the house a little earlier in the morning, arrived later at night, and had even caught him looking in the mirror before leaving for work.

I’m sure many of us would be a bit uncomfortable if faced with this situation, but saying nothing and allowing it to continue unchecked brings repercussions.

When we find ourselves feeling jealous, it can be important to reflect on three areas of life;

– Your relationship You may have been left to take care of yourself for a long time, especially if your career, children, friends, and perhaps older relatives have regularly needed your time and energy. Before you know it, conversations with your husband can turn into quick updates and reminders, after which you crash into bed, stressed and exhausted. However, spending some time on your relationship is essential, or you may gradually find yourself living in a shared house with a friend.

Some couples try to make sure they have one night a week to themselves, even if they don’t actually go out. Some plan a weekend together from time to time or designate their bedroom as their personal retreat. It’s important to find a way to highlight your relationship as worthy of your time and attention.

– What’s going on with your husband? It is not uncommon for men to reach their mid forties or early fifties and reflect on what they have missed in their lives. They may have had a successful career, supported their family, but now all of that is coming to an end. There may be room to discuss together how you feel, what you’d like to do, maybe what you missed doing when you were younger.

Sometimes there is a feeling of ‘is this it?’ who begins to celebrate Talk about it together and try to negotiate various options. Music, travel, a particular hobby or interest might be something you can do together or as part of an interest group. Plan to listen rather than guess how you feel.

– How do you feel about yourself? Our trust can be quite shaken if we suspect that there is someone younger, more attractive and attentive hanging around in our husband’s orbit. It is possible that we have had children, that we are self-conscious about our body, that we are approaching menopause, that we feel our age and we are aware that it has been a long time since we renewed our hair, makeup or wardrobe.

If we start to feel uncomfortable or unsure of ourselves we may be in danger of becoming someone we don’t like. A malicious, angry and resentful person may begin to emerge. ‘What is happening to me?’ Do we need therapy to deal with our demons? Investing some time, energy and money can make a difference. Even wearing matching sexy underwear can put a little sass in your step!

But there are still many reasons not to reproach ourselves. We may have both been busy and focused on getting through each day. Sometimes getting a wake-up call can be a valuable reminder to focus on our relationship and start taking better care of it. Feeling jealous can show that we care enough to fix it, that it annoys and threatens us.

Sitting down and talking about things in a non-accusatory way can be a good start to address where you are. Own how you feel, instead of apportioning blame; saying ‘when this happened I found myself feeling upset and jealous’ is better than saying ‘you make me feel’. Talk about what changed or went wrong and what is needed now that you are both moving into a different phase of your life and relationship. What needs to happen to improve your relationship, what steps could you both take?

Sometimes relationship counseling can be an important part of the process, where you set aside time for a regular date and invest of yourself moving forward. Compromise can mean being flexible, trying new things, maybe even things that don’t initially appeal. It may mean speaking instead of remaining silent, or perhaps conversely remaining silent when you’re anxious to have the last word.

There may be certain aspects that we cannot change, but by working on ourselves, spending time with each other and our relationship, we can reinforce and build on the closeness and experiences we have shared over the years, thereby enhancing what is. special and unique to us and our future lives together.