Less talk more action

Those of you who have read my articles know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication and giving skills to be better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships; positive and negative. However, talking is not necessarily communication; and there are many non-verbal ways to communicate.

Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy and develop resentment making big announcements about things “If you don’t start picking up your clothes, I’ll send them to Good Will” “If you don’t help me, I’ll do it myself” “Yes Ever catch you cheating, I’ll go “or the classic,” We have to go to therapy. “

I’m all for good communication, but if you’ve tried communicating and it’s not working, it’s time to embrace the Nike slogan and “Just Do It.”

My beloved Richard loves to tell this story about his parents: his mom said to his dad “Wouldn’t it be nice to remove this wall and make the room bigger?” His dad just grunted and nodded. When she returned home from working on the farm the next day, she took a mallet and broke a large hole in the wall, which meant they had to finish the job.

Richard likes to laugh at that, because it shows how dynamic his mother was and that she would do whatever it took. He also says he’s careful what he says “yes” because he knows I’m going to follow up.

Complaining, complaining, scolding, and making sarcastic comments is not the same as asking for what you want. Yelling, pouting, tantrums, and hissing attacks are also not effective communication. If you think your partner can’t or can’t work with you, these techniques are useless and usually make the problem worse. Fighting over something over and over is an excellent indication that you are not communicating effectively.

There is an effective technique / skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; then if you don’t get any cooperation, you can avoid all the fighting, hassle, and arguing – stop talking about it and solve the problem.

This is probably the most powerful stimulus for your partner to join in and agree to negotiate, because he or she cannot be part of the solution and loses the power to stop or paralyze you. This is not done in a spirit of “Okay, you won’t negotiate, so I’ll show you,” but in a spirit of “I understand you don’t want to discuss this, so I’ll have to figure it out for me, to the best of my ability. When be ready to cooperate and negotiate, I will be available. ” I’ve written about this before, as a technique called “figure it out yourself.” The emphasis here is not to keep talking about it; just solve it by yourself.

There are several benefits of this approach:

• It’s liberating to assert yourself on your own behalf and realize that you don’t have to have your partner’s involvement to be satisfied, but you don’t have to exclude or be cruel either.

• You no longer have the problem you were worried about.

• You can still have a good, loving relationship, because you have excluded your partner (the option to negotiate is always open) and you are not frustrated, angry, and private.

• It takes pressure off your partner and increases the likelihood that they will relax, become less defensive, and become more interested.

• Keeps you from feeling helpless and frustrated, so you can better receive your partner’s cooperation when you offer it.

The key to solving the problem rather than repeatedly talking about it is believing that there is a satisfactory solution. Caring for your partner’s wants and needs (as well as your own) is critical to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner’s needs without their help. When your partner refuses to help solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you get cooperation. As long as you offer every opportunity to cooperate and extend an invitation to your partner to join you at any time, you can focus your attention on solving the problem yourself. If you try to please your partner on your own, there is no chance that both of you will be satisfied. Once you’ve tried to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is a course of action that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effect of your partner’s resistance.

The following steps ensure that you can be sure that you have given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate and that you are not overdoing it.

Guidelines for solving it yourself

1. Make sure you have made a thorough attempt to negotiate. Don’t go to Solve It yourself until you’ve made an honest effort to involve your partner in the negotiation, not just the fight.

2. Tell your partner what you are doing. Make it clear that you have tried to negotiate the issue, that your assessment is that your partner does not want to work on it, that you would rather work on it together, but that you have decided what you are going to do about it. on your own. You may want to say that you are sad that you have to do this and that you are protecting the good in the relationship. It is very important to be able to do this calmly and with determination.

3. Invite your partner to negotiate at any time. Say that you are going to pursue your own solution, but are open to discussing it at any time. This is your open invitation to negotiate, which prevents it from becoming a power play.

Four. Communicate your goodwill. Let your partner know that you value him or her and society, and that you don’t like having to make one-sided decisions, but feel like you have no other choice, because your partner will not work on it with you.

5. Make sure your solution solves the problem for youeven if you think your partner may not like you. If the solution works for both of you, the problem is solved and needs no further discussion. If your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he has already been invited to negotiate and being left out is a powerful incentive. For a different perspective, imagine what you would do with the problem if your partner was not part of it. What would you do if your best friend was involved? Looking at a relationship problem from a single person’s point of view often points to places where you are unnecessarily dependent.

Hopefully, you will rarely need to solve a problem without your partner’s cooperation, but knowing that you can solve the problem yourself and leaving the door open for your partner’s involvement means that you can remain calm and gentle in the face of your partner’s reluctance. to cooperate. . You don’t have to wait for a reluctant partner to do it with you, as long as you let your partner know what you are doing ahead of time.

This will undoubtedly be better for your relationship than feeling frustrated, angry, and taken advantage of. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people and lead to a negotiation that satisfies everyone involved.