10 common questions men have about sex addiction

1. Question: Am I addicted to sex?

Answer: There are a number of red flags that can indicate a sex addiction. A person who uses sexual activity, whether it is intercourse, watching pornography, phone sex, chat rooms, prostitution, or masturbation as a numbing agent, something to keep him from feeling bad, may have a sex addiction. Other indicators that sexual behavior is causing problems for the addict include that their spouse is angry about their behavior or that they have gone into debt for the payment of telephone sex lines or Internet pornography sites. Spending an inordinate amount of time viewing porn for more than 10 hours a week is another red flag, as this sexual behavior is interfering with time spent with friends, family, or at work.

Another key factor is that the addict has tried to stop engaging in sexual behaviors, but has failed. When all of these things come together, it’s time to ask a professional for help.

2. Question: Can I be cured?

Answer: Many sex addicts have reported that they can control their sexual behavior through a variety of treatment methods. Some attend intensive rehabilitation facilities; Others go to therapy sessions, attend 12-step meetings, or use medication and a number of other techniques to control their sexual behavior. This may include finding a trusted person to act as a “responsible partner.” Or for porn addicts, it may mean the use of computer programs that block pornography.

3. Question: Does being cured mean that I give up sex?

Answer: No. Unlike chemical dependencies related to alcohol or drugs, sex is recognized as a healthy aspect of life. Treatment for sex addiction, although it involves a period of abstinence, seeks to control harmful and unwanted disorders of any sexual activity where it no longer causes harm. It can lead to stop viewing pornography, stop soliciting prostitutes and other “basic” behaviors or even illegal activities. The goal is to stop harmful behaviors, but certainly not to give up sex.

4. Question: Is sex addiction real or is it just something people use to excuse their behavior?

Answer: In fact, there are some experts who do not feel that sex addiction is real and say that it is more a product of conflicting social norms and customs. Others say that sex addiction exists but do not feel that it fits the definition of addiction in the same way that addiction to alcohol or drugs does. For a sex addict seeking treatment, it can be a moot point. To receive treatment, you first have to acknowledge that you have a problem and stop trying to use your own willpower to control it. Many people have sought treatment for sex addiction and reported results. Much of the criticism about their validity has been directed at celebrities involved in public sex scandals and they are not analogous to the average person who does not live in the public eye. Sex addiction is real and someone struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors can certainly attest to it.

5. Question: What caused this? How did I come to be like this?

Answer: There is no definitive cause for sex addiction and it will be different for each person. Many sex addicts report being sexually abused at a young age and growing up with a distorted view of sex and what a healthy sex life should look like. For others, it is simply the rush of chemicals in their brain after discovering a parent’s cache of pornography or encountering him in some other way. Others indicate that the accessibility of Internet pornography caused them to fall into a cycle, while there are those who turned to the use of sex as a numbing agent during a difficult period in their lives and began to rely on it as a coping mechanism. For some people who grew up with abuse, neglect, abandonment, and entanglement have led them to seek other ways to feel good about life and themselves.

While it is important to know the cause of sex addiction, those on the road to recovery should not seek to dwell on the immutable past; instead, they need to focus on their current actions.

6. Question: Does viewing pornography and sexual interaction on the Internet count as cheating on my spouse?

Answer: Not to be simplistic, but it may depend on the spouse. Certainly, many women feel that the fact that their spouses have cybersex or phone sex with another woman qualifies as infidelity. They may not react in exactly the same way as if it had been physical sex with another woman, but the impact on a relationship can be terrible. First, the wife will feel betrayed. You will not trust your husband if he has been hiding his behavior. You may feel bad about yourself, perhaps thinking that some failure on your part led your husband to seek these sexual outlets.

Even viewing pornography can be a sore spot for women. Society puts a lot of pressure on women to be physically attractive and sexually desirable and they may feel like they are competing with actresses in porn videos. This can affect your self-esteem, even if you don’t confront your husband about the behavior.

7. Question: Can medications reduce my sex drive so I don’t have this problem?

Answer: Yes and no. There are medications that can reduce a person’s sex drive and are often used to treat sex addiction. However, they have limited power to erase the problem completely. Some form of therapy is required, be it a 12-step program or another process.

8. Question: Will I ever be cured or is it a lifelong problem?

Answer: Many people report that they are able to control their sexual behaviors, sometimes after a period of months or years, and live lives relatively free of problems related to sex addiction. These people have addressed factors in their life that they once tried to control through the use of sex; now they have incorporated into their lives multiple tools to avoid falling back into destructive cycles of addiction. For some, there is always the fear of relapse, and some struggle with sex addiction for long periods of time. There is no quick fix to the problem.

9. Question: I am also addicted to alcohol. Is my addiction to sex just a sign that I am susceptible to addictive behaviors in general?

Answer: Somehow, yes. Many sex addicts report that they are addicted to alcohol, drugs, or behaviors such as gambling. They also affirm relatives with various addictions. It has certainly been theorized that a person may have a genetic predisposition to addictive behaviors. Regarding multiple addiction treatment, it should be noted that many sexual addiction treatment programs are based on alcohol treatment techniques developed by Alcoholics Anonymous. 12-step programs, such as Anonymous Sex Addicts, Anonymous Sex Addicts, and Anonymous Sex and Love Addicts, model their programs and borrow their literature from that organization.

10. Question: Am I really a sex addict or is my sex drive naturally high?

Answer: The difference between a sex addict and a person who enjoys sex a lot has to do with why the behavior is sought and the inability to stop an unwanted behavior, as well as obsession and compulsion. A person with a high sex drive becomes aroused and, in most cases, can control acting on that arousal. A sex addict engages in sex as a coping mechanism, isolates himself from others even if he has a real life partner for sex, and engages in sex compulsively. They may feel ashamed after completing the act or some general feelings of depression. Actual arousal is not the primary motivator.