Neglect is abuse

“So husbands should love their own wives as well as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; because no one ever hated his own flesh, but feeds and cares for it, just like Christ does. to the church, because we are members of his body. “ Ephesians 5: 28-30

There is no way to justify negligence in marriage from a biblical point of view. It is an oxymoron; it is hypocrisy. We cannot profess to love someone and constantly neglect their most basic needs and wants and hope the relationship will prosper. I am not talking about an occasional carelessness or an inadvertent failure to love perfectly. There are times when we all fall short even when our hearts are right. However, the perpetual and deliberate refusal to acknowledge or satisfy our spouse’s needs represents emotional, material, and perhaps social neglect.

In a one-flesh union, it is not a burden but a privilege to care for the heart, mind, and soul of our loved one, because our spouse is an extension of our self. We stand before the altar of marriage trusting that we will go through this life with this person who is more than a partner or a lover, but a collaborator, a teammate, a partner, a confidant and our most trusted friend. Therefore, neglecting a spouse emotionally, physically or materially is dishonoring and, yes, breaking our solemn vows to love, honor and appreciate; vows that reflect not merely intention, but active and demonstrated devotion.

Simply, these vows imply identifying the needs and desires of our spouse, taking the initiative to meet those needs, and to invest in the well-being of others with a design to contribute and enjoy in the long term privacy. Therefore, mutual and continuous displays of affection, respect, admiration and attentive attention should be common hallmarks of a healthy marriage.

However, I have read and heard countless stories from victims who have suffered profound and deliberate manifestations of neglect. Some negligent husbands * refuse to allow their wives to pursue an education or a job, while simultaneously accumulating or controlling income to the point of desperate need for their families. There have been times when the housewife must ask permission to take her children to the doctor or dentist for necessary treatment only to be told by her husband that he does not want to cover the expenses and if she wishes. If you seek medical care, you will have to find another source of money to pay for it. This same type of negligence can also be felt in the refusal to buy shoes, clothes, school supplies or to provide transportation and even food.

Then there are the husbands who come home from work expecting a hearty meal and the freedom to sit wordlessly in front of the television for hours night after night without lifting a finger to help with cleaning or household needs or to offer help to children with His homework. These same men wait for their taken-for-granted wives to eagerly put themselves into lover mode at bedtime, then roll over and fall asleep without even an “I love you,” as she resorts to holding back to hold back the flow of tears. .

And there was the shocking account of a woman whose husband agreed to babysit their young son for a couple of hours several nights a week so that she could attend yoga classes. The first night after class, she returned home to find her husband stoically watching television, with their young son on his lap screaming for attention without receiving any comfort from his father, who offered no explanation or apology. He had fulfilled his stated obligation, but nothing more. It was a devastating moment when the mother realized that she could not leave her son with his father for long, and had to give up any thought of attending yoga classes. Neither the needs of the man’s wife nor those of his son were a priority for him.

Depriving a spouse or children of basic, material and emotional attention is totally incompatible with what we know to be love. It is negligence: the practical abandonment and emotional betrayal of those who, naturally, should be the recipients of our most graceful measures of care and nurturing.

What are some of the things we need?

We need relationship both the intimacy of a personal relationship with our spouse and the freedom and opportunity to enjoy external relationships and socialize in a variety of settings with friends and family, which may include work, volunteer opportunities, classes, hobbies, meet-ups with friends and recreational outings.

We need shared responsibility, a sense of teamwork and cooperation where it’s needed, whether it’s paying bills, running errands, keeping up with the home, or babysitting. It should be understood that, if we need help; If we are sick or disabled, or involved in a project that requires teamwork, our spouse is willing to do what they can to help, without complaining, complaining, rushing, or inferring that we owe them something.

We need to feel understood, respected and acceptedas well as being encouraged and supported as we go through the daily challenges that come with everyday life. We need to know that our spouse will give us a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on and a heart that does not shame or belittle us, but sees our strengths, loves us despite our weaknesses, and always seeks our good. Of course, there may be seasons when each of us must give and receive, as needed, and similarly, we also have a responsibility to express our needs and wants at times when our spouse simply doesn’t realize it.

We need affection. While this includes sex, it should not be limited to sex, but should incorporate incidental displays of caring in day-to-day life, which could be evidenced by acts of service and words of affirmation and casual physical contact. In fact, if the affection shown in a marriage only consists of sex, so I contend that it would constitute physical neglect. While men may be less willing to agree with that last statement, in my experience, most women yearn to experience tender, non-sexual affection in addition to sex in order to feel truly loved, respected, and appreciated.

We need a little attention and alone time. Scheduling alone time together periodically outside of the house, and perhaps out of town, gives both partners an opportunity to relax, detox, and connect on a deeper level of friendship. And many of us also need some time to ourselves or with our closest friends. This requires each partner to reasonably accommodate the other’s freedom and need for external connection.

The constant failure to see or meet the basic needs of our spouses constitutes neglect; a silent assault on the heart, mind and body. Neglect may not be overtly hostile, but it is nonetheless a betrayal, a slow burn, a form of incremental relational starvation, and one of the subtlest and least identified forms of abuse. He whispers softly, “You are not important,” his voice is born out of apathy, callousness, selfishness, and pride, and his victims will eventually find themselves living a life characterized by a sense of sterility, loneliness, and loss.

Some will say that we should find all our needs met in God, and He will suffice. But in marriage, our spouse has a divine calling and role to play in the relationship, and each of us enters that relationship with the belief that our spouse’s confessed love will translate into an appropriate measure of thoughtful devotion.

The apostle Paul describes the obvious this way:

“So husbands should also love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, because no one ever hated his own flesh, but feeds and cares for it, as well as Christ also to the church … “

In the picture Paul paints here, we see the tangible, proactive, and love-based evidence of marital devotion. A nourished person is healthy and satisfied, he does not remain begging for basic sustenance.

There is no room for the sad and sad effects of neglect in marriage; Nor should we be surprised when negligent marriages fail. As with any other living being, the relationship that does not receive the nourishment it needs is bound to wither and eventually die.

There is no such thing as a happy, careless marriage.

* Although women can also be abusers, the majority of abusers are men. For this reason, the abuser is referred to in masculine terms. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.