I wish I had lied about my adventure: telling the truth cost me too much

Sometimes I hear from people who thought long and hard before finally telling the truth about their affair. This is a decision they did not take lightly. They often came and went. They debated internally. They even reached out to trusted friends and asked for advice. And, in the end, they decide that the right thing to do is simply tell the truth. But when they finally do, the worst case scenario occurs and they face the prospect of losing their spouse and his family. Therefore, they have to admit to themselves that perhaps it would have been better to do something wrong and lie.

You might hear a comment like, “I had an affair with a man who takes yoga at the same time I did. I never intended the relationship to be anything other than friendship. And even when I crossed the line, I never had any intention of leaving him.” my husband and my family. So I broke up with the other man. And I stayed away from him. But my husband had his suspicions and I started having to answer a lot of questions. I made a lot of my friends if I told them the truth about the affair. Everyone told me I should lie and do whatever I had to do so my husband would never know the truth. But this felt wrong to me. Every time I was around my husband, I felt horrible guilt. I felt like he was the kind of person who he didn’t even deserve it. So I decided to tell him the truth. I really thought he would be devastated, but he would support me because we have been together for so long and we have a family that is very important to both of us. Well, as soon as I told my husband of the truth, he left. And he hasn’t come back. And he says that he will probably never be able to forgive me. He says that he will be friendly and responsive to me because he knows that this is important for our children. But he also says that I have crossed a line that can never be undone. I feel like telling the truth made me lose everything. He wishes he had lied.”

I hear this very often. Most of the time, the cheating spouse is really trying to do the right thing. But they feel they have been punished for it. And they can’t help but wonder if they’d still be happily married if they’d been smart enough to keep their mouths shut. It can be excruciating to know that there is no way to undo your confession. Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no way to put it back in.

Since you can’t get it back, make the most of it: Since you can’t go back now, I feel like you might as well work with what you have. Yes, your spouse is furious and the consequences of this are very challenging and frightening. But I can tell you that things can and do calm down. Spouses can and do reconsider. I can also tell you that I often hear from people who struggle with the guilt of living a lie. So keeping this to yourself also has huge downsides. You run the risk that your spouse will find out that he has been lying. Believe it or not, the consequences are usually worse then. At least in this scenario, your spouse cannot deny that he did the right thing by telling the truth and being honest. In the end, that sometimes does count for something. It may take a while for the shock to wear off and for your spouse to stop lashing out at you. I know waiting is hard.

Consider the downside of continuing to lie: As a spouse who has been cheated on before, I admit that I think telling the truth is the right thing to do. It is the first step in taking responsibility and restoring trust. If you had continued to lie, your spouse would always know and might have a hard time getting over it. And, you would know it too and might have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror.

I know that telling the truth may seem like a mistake right now. But, that’s only because you’re dealing with difficult consequences. In truth, you may still have had to deal with these consequences later when your spouse found out. And, it could have been even worse at the time because you were still cheating.

At least in this way, you have unburdened yourself and shown enough respect and care for your spouse to tell them the truth. I can tell you from experience that his pride is deeply hurt and he is questioning what he thought he knew about your marriage. this is painful. You can understand why he is fighting the way he is. You can understand why he is angry and hurt. But, he may not act this way forever. You can help your cause by being patient with him and continuing to insist that you love him and therefore want to take responsibility for your actions. He may have to be patient. You may need to give his spouse time. And you may have to work tirelessly to get him to consider giving you a second chance. But I don’t think being honest after cheating is the wrong decision. It is the first step to do things right.